5 ways to cultivate positive attitudes about race and ethnicity in all the Silly Beans out there

With all that has been going on in the nation these past few weeks, I needed to be on hiatus from the blog for a week to catch a breath, reflect, process, lament, and pray. There is much to be said about the heinous murder of George Floyd, racial tensions in America, and our broken systems, but I do not necessarily feel social media is the place to process all of this. As a mother, I grieve with George's mother over the loss of a son. As a wife and a mother raising a young child, I grieve that Gianna at the age of 6 won't have a daddy growing up in this world.  As a racially assigned Asian-American woman, I grieve the traditional silence of my people as more black lives are taken. I know that I have a lot more work to do in examining my own heart and family/ethnic history of attitude and relationship toward black people, in learning about the history of Asian-American and Black-American relations in America, and in repenting about the ways me and my people's pursuit of the American dream has contributed to the systemic oppression of black people.

But this post is not my soap box. It's about Silly Bean and all of the other Silly Beans out there, and it's about addressing the question that their parents are probably asking right now: How do I talk to my kid about race/ethnicity/current events?

I pursued a lot of resources these past two weeks re: conversations with kids about race, and they all had one common sentiment: they're not too young to talk about race. Studies have shown that even babies can perceive differences in skin tone, and may even show preference for people who are the same ethnicities as their caregivers. Even a few weeks ago, Silly Bean and I were reading a Daniel Tiger story and he said, "Miss Elaina and Teacher Harriet are brown." His statement was neutral but it showed me that he noticed their skin tone.

from the story "Daniel Plays at School"

It's helpful that I have training in talking to college students about ethnic identity and racial reconciliation, but I am at a loss when it comes to talking about it in 2 or 3 year old terms! And as we know, it actually takes a lot of thought to explain difficult concepts in a way that young children can understand! So I am no expert and am also still learning, but wanted to share 5 developmentally appropriate ways to help cultivate race/ethnic consciousness and positive attitudes toward race/ethnicity in toddlers that I have been reminded of in this season, that I hope will be a helpful to you as well.

1. Reflect and self-examine your own prejudices and biases, your relationship with your own ethnicity and with others'. Children learn from observing their caregivers, and attitudes are more often caught than taught. So how do our kids see us reacting when we take a walk and see a black man walking toward us on the sidewalk? What do they hear us saying when we talk about the landscapers who are Mexican who cut the grass today? What are they observing when we talk about how we look (do we like our hair? our facial features? body shape? etc)?

2. Provide diversity in the media (literature, music, toys, TV shows, etc) you share with your toddler. Are the main characters in the stories you read together always white? How are minorities being portrayed or treated in the TV show they are watching? Are the only books at home that feature people of other ethnicities books about ethnic holidays? There are great lists out there (just do a google search!) of books and toys that have people/children of different ethnicities you can check out from the library.

3. Develop relationships with people of other ethnicities/SES/life experiences. Are the people you/your toddler interact with people who are very similar to you in thought, ethnicity, religion? Find ways to branch out and intentionally cultivate living, breathing friendships with others.

4. Every moment of tension is a teachable moment, but if you miss it, you can always go back to it. Your toddler probably doesn't feel tension the way that you do when she asks a question about that woman's skin color, or what "black lives matter" means. By the time you nervously formulate your response in your head, she's already onto the next activity and has forgotten her question altogether 😅 You can always go back to it because it's an ongoing conversation, not one-and-done. Or maybe you're like me and didn't realize a teachable moment until later. When Silly Bean said "Miss Elaina and Teacher Harriet are brown," it was only after I thought about it and recognized a week later. I brought it up again ("Remember when you told me...") and I got to explain to Silly Bean very simply that we have different skin tones based on how much melanin is in our bodies, and that God made all of them and loves all of them (we are in the Christian worldview). Silly Bean was very interested to hear, and I'm sure we will continue to have the same conversation for weeks to come.

5. There is grace! You don't have to have it all together. You don't have to have figured out all of your stuff about reconciling your own ethnicity or figuring out how you fit the bigger picture of fighting racism to start having conversations with your kid about race. We're all on a journey, and it's important for our kids to know that we're all learning and growing together. There's no better time than today to begin that journey if you haven't already!


What has been helpful for you in talking to your kids about race and ethnicity?